I think i just missed my stop...

Reflections.

2007-12-14T00:10:00.000-05:00

There's something all too familiar about seasons. Apparently scent is the strongest sense tied to memory, but every sense has it's amazing moments that catch you off guard, either in a really good way, or in a way that shakes you up a little. You have a deja-vu moment where you swear you are looking at a photo of something that has most striking resemblance of another time and place. You hear a song that takes you back to an important moment or hear a voice that sounds like someone you miss and all the sudden you are back. Or just physical feelings. Like wind cutting through you, all the while taking you to a place where you were you remember in all too much detail you doing something, with someone, somewhere with that same cold feeling of either excitement or pain. It's funny how your mind can take you back in an instant, faster than a switch turns on a light or a snuffed out candle can darken an entire room. You weren't thinking about anything close to this, and all the sudden you are reliving one of the more joyous or most gut wrenching moments that brought you where you are and made you who you are today.

The most amazing thing is when your mind can instantly prompt these feelings, and you can instantly tell that you have, in fact, overcome these memories. It's sad, that a memory can be replaced by another, but if a memory becomes replaceable you know that you are coming full circle and are no longer controlled by your minds impulses of that moment. Feelings and memories can become separate of each other. It's actually a neat moment when you can embrace people from your past that may have hurt you, or incidents that have altered your life in a dramatic way. I used to think that it was productive to compare current feelings and emotions to old ones. But, once you see that you have grown and matured, it no longer becomes necessary. I don't need to prove to myself that the way I feel today is different than the way I felt last year at this very moment, or the year before that. What matters is how I feel now. The only time this ever has negative effects is when you try to recreate the emotions and the feelings that time has left behind. Time changes, people change. It's a fact of life. Memories are a beautiful thing because they preserve YOU. You can look back and relive experiences and feelings without going through the trouble of effecting your current experiences and feelings.

Emotions are a tricky thing. I can't quite figure those out. Why do they change too quickly? What memories are worth reliving and which ones are ready to be replaced?

Here's the thing. I love where I am, and I love where I've been. I love who I am, and I love who I was. So fortunately, I have the opportunity to be here now on the verge of something awesome and be able to fully appreciate where and who I was. Even if now and then are polar opposites. Icicles.

The Fragility of Life

2007-10-02T01:02:00.001-04:00

There are a few things in life that make you stop dead in your tracks and think. They are moments you never think about, and never expect until it happens, and then that moment can change your life. The last few years, I have been thinking and learning a lot about life. The more life that I have stored underneath my belt, the more I have become to appreciate every single day, because I have no idea when my life will be taken. Tonight I had a few people over my apartment to celebrate the birthday of a new friend of mine, and in the middle of all the fun and laughter, I had a strange urge to check my myspace. I haven't really used it much lately, and i decided just to make sure nobody had commented or anything on my page. When I looked I saw a couple comment approvals and a message from my sister. As soon as i opened it I immediately saw the name "Matt Prosoco" right smack in the midst of a bunch of blurry words, and without reading any of those words, I got a sudden chill throughout my entire body. I was afraid to read the rest of the message.

I haven't heard from my friend Matt in a long time. Since my senior year of high school, when I flew out to New Mexico for my birthday to see some old friends. We weren't best friends by any stretch of the imagination, but Matt is one of those people that you can't help but laugh when you think about. So humorous and so full of life. I didn't really get to know him until my sophomore year of high school, when I made the varsity basketball team that he was one of the stars of. I remember right after the tip off of every game, somehow the ball always made it's way to him and he never missed that layup off the same backboard that always made the loudest metal clanging noise anytime a ball hit it. It was like clock work. No matter who we played, you could bet on the fact that #15 was going to put us up 2-0. That 2000-2001 Community Christian School basketball team has a lot to do with who I am today. I used to spend a lot of time with my best friend Tim who was really good friends with Matt and his friend John. I was the little sophomore and they were the Juniors and Seniors i looked up to, and was lucky enough to tag along with. There were a lot of Friday and Saturday nights where we would all kill time hanging out, or watching movies or getting into trouble up in the mountains. So many memorable basketball trips. I remember one game in particular. It was right after I had somehow scored 10 points in a minute and a half to win a game, and the next game, my coach didn't put me in for a single play in a loss. After the game, I was furious. I remember talking with Matt after the game about how upset I was, and he stood up for me and went and talked to the coach about how I deserved a chance to play. The next game, On Senior Night, I started right next to Matt and the three other graduating seniors and had one of the best games of my life scoring 14 points. That was the last basketball game I ever played in, and I am pretty sure that was his last game too. It wasn't much but that is a memory that I will never forget.

It was hard to believe that as I read the rest of the myspace message, I was left to deal with the fact that one of my friends was gone. Matt was killed early this morning in a car accident on his way to work. It's hard to get that kind of news, about someone who never had it easy, but always made the most of it. His myspace headline reads "Today is a day that anything can happen." I wish, more than anything for his wife and two kids, that what happened today can be changed. But I know that He is in heaven and that's a lot better then here, and the only thing I can do take this as a lesson that life is way too short to not take advantage of every opportunity you have, and pray for God's comfort and blessings on his family. Matt, I'll never forget the way you used to always say "What Up Dink ?!?" anytime you saw me. You were a great friend and one I can never forget. I wish I never lost contact with you, but I appreciate all you ever did for me or said. See you in heaven.

Sweep Me Away

2007-09-25T02:44:00.000-04:00

Im standing in this valley, broken down all alone
I haven't seen the sun for so many days
I'm clinging to the promise of a mountaintop
But right now Lord I'd settle for some rain

"There's a blessing in the valley" I cry out in faith
But my mind begins to wonder If I'll ever see that day
I know that seasons are expected but winter leads to spring
So I will thank You in the middle of everything

Sweep Me Away, by Your great love
Cover my life in your Holy flood
Let the currents of change carry away
All of my questions my doubt and my pain
Deliver my life from this valley I pray
Sweep me away...

Peeeeeeeves....

2007-08-27T23:59:00.001-04:00

As I begin to see my life outside of retail taking shape, I'd like to use this moment to say a few things. Well...first of all, for the last...say....three years, I have been working a handful of retail jobs. I think it is a great environment to work in. I have had the honor to work along side some amazing people and the money isn't really all thaaaat bad. It has it's good times, and it's bad times. I have heard a lot of people who work in restaurants say that you never really understand why you tip waiters until you become one. I, Donovan, years ago, was a waiter for about a week...maybe two, and I really, really appreciate waiters. Ever since then, I have always tipped on the generous side, I never get upset when the food deviates slightly from my order, and I never assume I could do their job better than them. I have waited on horrible people, and I have devised plans in my mind to stab every inch of their bodies with a fork and/or toothpick. But people who work retail know how that feels. So here are a few of my pet peeves that I don't plan on having to deal with for much longer. But If you read this...please, try hard, not to become one of these people. If you work retail...I know you know where I'm coming from.

-The Price Watcher. There are always "those" people who care way too much about how much they spend on certain items. Like the kind of people that don't do the math before they come to the register. I could be wrong but, If I have 50 bucks to spend, I shop thinking "how much could I get with 50 bucks?". These people assume that everything they want will inevitably fit in their budget, and are so shocked when the stuff they pick out is out of their price range. It doesn't take a master's degree to figure out that a 40 dollar pair of jeans and a 20 dollar shirt is going to be a little more that 50 bucks. But these people bring that pair of jeans and shirt, along with another shirt, a belt and a pair of shoes. Its really, hard to believe that these people have made it this far in life without getting beaten numerous times. It's a shame that most of these people I'm talking about have kids that will eventually carry on these same traits. But...THE "Price Watcher" loves...and I mean LOVES...to buy sale items. It's like a heroin addict that likes heroin. They buy tons of it. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have been known to hit up the clearance section more often than not. I mean...why pay 20 for a shirt that will eventually become 5? The price watcher hoards handful's and handful's of this cheap merchandise and brings it up to you, usually asking you to verify that the price on the tag is actually the real price. And as you reassure them that this hard-to-believe truth is in fact true, they have to comment about each item. Sometimes is a positive "Wow! I can't believe that this jacket is 60% off of its original price." which leads them to an attempt to strike up a conversation about how the item must have something wrong with it. As you inspect the item thoroughly to calm their fears, they suddenly "see" a stain which usually turns out to be a piece of lint, that automatically qualifies the item for an additional discount. So once they decide to "go ahead and buy it anyway" they have to ask when your next sale is coming up, like you are they guy who decides how and when these sales happen. So these "price watchers" also like to bring the full price merchandise to the counter and as you ring them up, they inspect the little screen that shows the prices and appear stunned when the stuff rings up full price. This conversation usually follows:

PW: "Wait a second...That shirt is $19?"
Me: "Uh...hmm...thats what the tag says."
PW: "But those shirts in the back are $7.95!"
Me: "Yes they are. Where did you find this shirt?"
PW: "Up by the front"
Me: "So...the problem is?"
PW: "I just thought since those shirts ...."
Me: "Those shirts have stickers that say $7.95 on them. This one doesn't"
PW: "Okay. I guess. I could totally get this same shirt at Marshall's for much less."
Me: "No...No you can't"
PW: "Oh I most certainly can."
Me: "If you say so..."
PW: "That's exactly why I never shop at the mall. It's so overpriced."
Me: "Would you like to set down all those shopping bags so you don't have to hold them?"
PW: "Yes thank you."
Me: "Ahh... so, whats the verdict on the shirt?"
PW: "I guess I'll take it."
Me: "Yeah they probably ran out of them at Marshall's anyway."
PW: "Is that a hole I see in the shirt?"
Me: "Umm...yeah it actually is. It's the hole that the button goes through. "
PW: " Oh I thought... styles these days..."
Me: "Yeah...those strategically placed holes. Its a miracle everyone hasn't gotten pregnant."
PW: "You're telling me...my daughter's (pronounced duh-o-water's in that jersey italian accent) friend is pregnant and she's only 15."
Me: "She must shop here."

-The Return Artist. Some people have the nerve....to return EVERYTHING! I don't know. If I need a pair of jeans, I go to the store....buy a pair...and wear them. Often times that very same day! These people buy a pair...sometime between the purchase and breakfast the next morning, they realize that this pair of jeans isn't going to work for them. Or...It doesn't fit. It's funny because they tried the jeans on before they bought it, but today it doesn't fit. "Did you happen to eat a 46 pound bagel for breakfast with a little butter and cream cheese?. How were you a size 4 yesterday and today you can barely get the jeans around one of your legs?" I think I actually said that once. I don't understand returns. Sometimes...I return stuff. I'm not gonna be a hypocrite! If i am rushed, i may buy a couple shirts with my pair of jeans without thinking much about it, and i may decide that one of those shirts just isn't my style. But never have I bought 6 items, only to return to the store a week later to get my money back for ALL 6 items. I don't understand why people do that. Sometimes, and this is my favorite, they buy merchandise online...never even take it out of it's plastic wrapper....in some cases the box...and return it. WTF? That's just uncalled for. What made you change your mind? Why didn't you at least try it on? Look it...returns are such a hassle. I just wish that people would think a little bit when they buy stuff. It's understandable if its a gift...and you just aren't jiving with aunt mary margarita's taste in casual wear. It's also pretty acceptable if you get a rash or skin disease from an article of clothing. But think before you buy. I would rather you not buy anything...then spend a thousand dollars and return everything. Because in the end...you're not gonna buy anything anyway. If you do return a lot of stuff, I just want you to know....A LOT of people hate you.

-The "The World Revolves around You" lady-I had never in my life been snapped at until i started working retail. And no, I'm not talking about someone having a short fuse and being snippy. I'm talking about a actual snap. With your thumb and middle finger. Like a SNAP crackle pop kind of snap. Or waved at from across the store. Look....odds are I am doing something that is way more important that you getting exactly what you want right this very second. You think that is supposed to be "customer's first" and technically it should. But if you give me attitude, you are suddenly at my mercy, and you probably aren't going to like what I'm going to do with that. I am going to get paid whether or not you get what you want. And I don't get paid enough to deal with impatient and selfish people. If you snap at me...I will take my time. If you wave at me from across the store...I will not see you. If you interrupt me while I am talking to another customer...I will make you the absolute lowest of my priorities. In a hurry? I'll make you wait even longer. It's ridiculous how childish, adults can be. The same parents that verbally abuse their kids for crying about not getting their way, cry to me EVERYDAY when they don't get what they want. I'm trying to do my job which is to make you happy, and I don't get tips...or commission, so the least you can do is breathe in...and breathe out, because I haven't seen anyone keel over and die because we didn't have your size in that sweatervest that wouldn't even look remotely attractive on you anyway. And if you have to wait in line for whatever reason...just leave the store and come back some other time. There are plenty of times during the week that it is slower than molasses in winter. so...it really isn't my fault if you end up waiting. We work way too hard to deal with people like that.

-Piggy McPigPigg. One of these days I am going to walk right into one of these customer's office's at work and just go crazy. Through stuff around, touch what I want to touch...sniff stuff. You know normal stuff that these people do everyday. I know how mother's work. If there is a mess in your house that wasn't created by you, you flip the funk out...and find whoever or whatever did this and make them bleed from their ears and wish that you and your husband never got so hopped up and made bad decisions that night back in the 80's. These are the same mothers who make you FOLD all your laundry and their laundry and grandma's laundry. I am not trying to be demeaning at all when i say that...I know that every mother on earth knows how to fold a shirt and clean up a mess. When you make a mess...clean it up. You would be furious, and think of me as an awful house guest if i roamed around your house and put stuff out of place and made messes with absolutely no regard to who and how it is going to get cleaned up. You don't have the right to make a mess where i work. It's not that hard to fold the shirt you just unfolded. I watched you...and I'll tell you right now, if you leave that mess there on that table, and you ask me to help you find something...we will magically no longer have any more of those shirts in the back, or the fitting rooms will magically be full. I get so stressed out when my workplace is a mess. And office job is easy, because it's up to me to keep it clean. But when I have to leave it up to you to keep me from being stressed out and you fail, I lose whatever desire i had to make your experience the best possible experience you could have.

I am great at customer service. I know how to make you happy. I know how to go the extra mile. And I am more than willing to do that for you, If you just show me a little respect. I know retail isn't the most glorious job in the world but someone has to do it. I know everyone that works retail feels the same way. If you want those associates to help you find what you're looking for...help them out a little. There's nothing more rewarding that making someone's day but you can't expect us to do that for you. Its a simple lesson that most of us learn at an early age...the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I don't think I am long for the retail world. But i will never forget the people i worked with. I will never shop the same way again. I definitely learned a lot of life lessons that i wish everyone could learn. I have seen a lot of people that I am determined not to be like when I get older and have my own kids. Just like when I go out to eat now...I am patient with the waiters and waitresses and tip them well even when they make mistakes. I think every time i entire a store, i will be mindful of how hard the employees work and try not to be a burden. I wish everyone could see that and be the same way.

Subtleties

2007-08-12T00:30:00.001-04:00

Last Saturday, I spent the day in New York. It was an amazing day. I went to Yankee Stadium on the day Alex Rodriguez belted his 500th career homerun. I even had tickets! But I didn't go to the game. I had my tickets passed off to somebody who didn't even make it to the game in time for the homerun. I however made it to the stadium right in time for the ninth inning, because I had to deliver a video I made to someone who was at the game. So with the city abuzz, I wandered the streets of Manhattan with a few of my friends. There is something about the city that makes you forget about everything going on everywhere else in the world, and think about...nothing. Wandered through the park. Went to Chinatown. Had dinner in Times Square. Wandered again through Soho and back down to Little Italy. There wasn't an agenda. No goals. Nothing that needed to be done. Just enjoying life with a couple of amazing people. So...That day I had a minor epiphany. The last few years I have found myself setting so many goals. Making so many plans that I knew would never come true. Having so many of these so called "epiphanies" that would change my life for a few days and then change itself a few days later.

I think I need to erase my goals for a little while. I don't mean losing all inspiration or ambition, but just focus on what I need to do right now. I'm such a dreamer. I need to focus on structure. I have so many things come together over the last few weeks. So many of my dreams came back into reality. Things, while not at all organized, are becoming so much clearer. I really do feel happy, about where I am, and what I'm doing. It's really interesting how life works. So I am going to focus on the few priorities that I have, and revolve the rest of my life around them. I figure thats how I should have been doing it the whole time. We'll see how things go. Right now, I am going to watch the end of American Psycho ( an amazing flick) and go to bed. Tomorrow I have a few things to do, but other than that life will be what life always has been and always will be. That is, of course, unpredictable.

I'll take a sunset and a kiss please.

2007-07-23T15:25:00.000-04:00

Third time's a charm huh? I am back (think AC/DC as an intro) in New Jersey. This is the third time I have up and moved to New Jersey. One was a brilliant success, and one was a major disappointment. I've seen it all, I've experienced the highs and lows, I have experienced love and loneliness. I've been to the shore. I've seen black snow. I have seen the World's Smallest Horse which makes me dry heave when i think about its poor soul being couped up in a little cage. I wouldn't say that I love New Jersey. It's sentimental, but I don't at all love it. I don't know why I came back. I didn't want to, I was happy for once in my life, and I really felt like I was finally over this place. But then I decided to come back. For those of you who don't know why, I am finally going to tell you. My first year in New Jersey was one of the best years of my life. The way everything worked out, and how I learned and matured so much. I can't explain in words how the people around me shaped me into who I am today. Just the experiences, and memories changed my life for the better. But then when the year was over, I faced the decision of whether to stay in Jersey, or go back home to Florida. I picked Florida. I missed it. I missed my family. I was afraid of what would happen if i stayed here. So i went back...and within 6 months realized that in time, people and places change. But instead of sucking it up and dealing with it...I turned back around and came back up here. So..i guess the previous lesson of time changing people and places hadn't really clicked, because the same thing had happened back here. That genuine excitement from before became a shallow surface level facade. I wasn't the same person. Realizing that I was nowhere near anything comfortable, I started to change myself. I guess a better word would be adapt. The people who I thought cared about me didn't and the people that I cared about were miles away from here. I was stuck, and alone, and pretty much clung to whatever was comfortable. I didn't want anything else to change, and as time went by I changed. New Jersey became a place that I hated. A place that bled me dry. There was only one person that I honestly regretted leaving, and I told myself that they would be the only person I would come back for. Just days before I left here, I made a promise to myself that I was going to come back for them. It was the only time in my life that I have made a promise like that. I knew that If i didn't I was never going to come back. So once i realized that, I left. Within days, without notice to many people, I went back to Florida. I didn't expect anything to happen there. I just wanted to detox myself from the past year and a half of my life. I had to do it quick. And i did. It was one of the better 4 months of my life. I was around people who didn't judge me. I was around people who supported me no matter what. I was around people who laughed when I made some pretty horrible/awesome decisions. I met people, and truly became friends with so many people immediately. The night i left Florida...I was heartbroken. I had become attached to so many people. I smiled and laughed more in those 4 months than I ever have before. My family became my favorite thing on earth. I made real friends. People that I will miss every single day. But I had to come back here. I had to prove to myself that I am capable of fulfilling my dreams. I had to prove that I can follow through with my promises. I had to prove that I can do anything I set my mind to. I had to renew my mind, and I did that. I have to end on good terms with this state before I can move on. There's nothing for me here that I can't find anywhere else, but that's not a good enough reason to give up. I won't ever give up, until I have achieved my goals. I don't care what people say...or think. But anyway thats why I'm here.

Now that I'm here, I feel like things are headed in the right direction. It's hard but, it's nothing i didn't expect. I have seen everyone I needed and wanted to see. And so hopefully the "Welcome Back" phase can end, so I can get life back to normal. But I'm here, and I know I need to be here.

Have you ever?

2007-06-28T01:29:00.000-04:00

I kinda forgot this thing existed there for a while. I guess because i had some bad experiences there for a while. Truth is...I don't know why. Its funny how you can experience something that makes you re-evaluate everything in your life, and then once you get done re-evaluating you realize that the whole problem that you encountered in the first place, wasn't really that bad. You can spend so much of your time investing in stuff. Dreams. Ambitions. Love. But in the end, if you don't spend your time investing in the right things, you will end up with nothing. Well, see, thats what i thought. Life is one huge series of challenges after another. It's how you get through them that counts. I feel like I am so much more mature than i was, say, two years ago. I know that amazing things can come out of the pain and heartbreak that comes with some of those challenges, so now i can see that pain is temporary. You hit those valleys that bring you down so low, but once you are coming back up the mountain just waiting for things to peak again, you can see that it was worth it. That obviously what you thought was "it", wasn't. Wasn't even close. You realize that in the strangest of things. In people you barely even notice on most days. It's weird how i am reminded constantly of the person I used to be before i let myself get off track, and the person i dream of getting back to. I used to be unashamed of my dreams. I used to be myself to everyone. I used to be passionate about the stuff that really makes a difference in other peoples lives. I have an image in my head of who i want to be, and most of the stuff I am chasing right now is such a huge waste of time. But, I know that everything in my life is making me realize how truly amazing and how fun life really is. I don't need anything to see that. I don't need someone by my side, eventually i feel like that will come in handy, but for now, its not appealing, because last time i lost myself in the shuffle. I'm not gonna let anything distract me this time around.

Happy Sandwich Day!

2007-05-14T23:00:00.000-04:00

Today is sandwich day. Yesterday was mothers day. Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. So today is sandwich day. I just wanted to explain that to you....yeah im really weird. I have been in a huge get in shape kick. Im not fat. I got rid of that a couple months ago. I'm just lazy. I was telling my parents today that I think im ready to retire! im only 22 and im not even done with college, but I am ready to collect my social security check and buy my condo on the beach like the rest of the state of Florida.

So the picture above is from New Mexico. The day before Easter when I was out for my best friend Tim's wedding, me and my brother drove around our old stomping grounds, and this was one of the stops we had to see. This is where I learned to play baseball. That mound was where I spent much of my childhood. Throwing fastballs night after night. I remember when I played games on that field, I used to imagine that the mountains behind were huge grandstands, of people packed in to watch me play. It was amazing being back on that field. So much smaller than i remember it. They changed the infield grass to artificial turf, because it is impossible to grow grass in New Mexico. I remember one season, me and my brother got drafted by two different teams. The best team in the league and the worst team. My parents made us play for the worst team because they felt bad. So the entire season, this is how it went: my friend mark would get a hit to lead off, i would get a hit that would bring him home to score, and my brother would hit a homerun, and the rest of the 1o kids on the team would strike out behind us. By that time, the opposing team would have run up 10 runs, which in little league they have the "mercy rule" or the "10 run rule" which meant that if a team took a 10 run lead on your team, they would call it off. Yeah...I was the pitcher, but my outfielders used to pretend they were Power Rangers in the outfield and would wear their gloves on their head. My second basemen would think that he had to stand on second base. I pitched, Mark was the catcher, and my brother was the first basemen. And the rest of the team...thought they were playing dodge ball. If a ball came their direction they ran. That was one of the more memorable seasons i played. I remember one game it was so cold we lit a fire in the trash can to keep warm. Ahh...those were the days. In all my days of pitching...i only allowed two home runs. They both came in the same game. I was 11, and this kid was like 6'4" and had a goatee. He hit the ball harder than I have ever seen anyone hit. He could hit the ball, run around the bases and be back in the dugout before the ball even landed. At least thats what it felt like. A week later, the league found out that this kid was an illegal alien from mexico and was actually 19. No wonder he hit the ball 450 feet. True story. I swear on that.

Yesterday...me and my brother went to play baseball at a nearby high school field. Its been over a year since i played last, or even swung a bat for that matter. At first, i must have looked retarded. I swung about a half hour late on every pitch. There was a three year old kid watching, and i was actually embarassed. I missed everything. I finally got a piece of one and it hit the little knub at the end of the bat, and went about 6 inches. I wanted to cry. But finally i settled down got loose, and hit the most beautiful ball that i think has ever been hit. Well it felt like it. It actually rolled over the top of the wall. But it was a home run. A few swings later i got a piece of another one that made the first one look like a texas leaguer. It was by far the farthest ball I have ever hit. Yeah...I only hit two out yesterday, but i cant describe how good it felt to hit the baseball again. My brother beat me, he had three. But even pitching the ball to him was exciting. My mom and dad even came out to watch us hit. They never do that. Last night I felt great and today I feel like a 85 year old man. Soooo sore.

Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if no one reads that whole thing. I just had to write about it. I love my life right now. I am me! I sat down today and wrote out what i am going to do with my life. They are goals, that I want to achieve over the next five years. All of them are mine. I didn't base them on anyone else, or anyone else's expectations for me. That is a huge step. For some reason I have a confidence that I have never had before. I know everything is going to work out. I am just so happy to be here, and so happy that you took the time to read this whole novel. Happy Sandwich Day

Getting the "W"

2007-05-11T09:05:00.000-04:00

Its a lot easier to be the one on the losing end. In anything. in life, in sports, in monopoly. It does come with disappointment, but in the end there is a lot less to live up to. You don't have to work as hard to maintain anything, because you don't have anything to prove. Yeah, its nice to win. I've had some amazing victories, but when you keep on winning, the pressure continues to mount until you lose. Then all the sudden losing seems so much bigger than it actually is. It eats at you a lot more. It makes you feel like you can never win again. Even when you do win again, it doesn't feel right. Not until you are back to where you were before. Theres just something about winning night after night, going home with the same feeling. A feeling of complete satisfaction. You carry such a confidence about you that you don't feel like you can ever lose. You know that you can. You know that it's only a matter of time before you do. But for some strange reason, it doesn't matter. You may not even do all that well. You may struggle...a lot, but somehow you can still manage to pull out wins. There is just something about confidence that makes it easier to win. Even in every other aspect in life you feel that confidence. Waking up in the morning is such a refreshing feeling. Walking outside feels amazing. Everything is so much more stimulating, and you find satisfaction in the little things. It's where you become intrigued by simplicity. You fall in love with everything. When you win, you laugh more, you smile more, you tend to do more that you wouldn't normally do. Everybody is cheering you on. You celebrate more, you give more. Pizza tastes better. Showers feel so much better. The winter air really doesn't seem all that cold. Everything even smells better. Its like your senses awaken, and everything in life becomes one big celebration after another.

No wonder losing is so hard. It burns you out. It makes everything feel so plain. Suddenly your fans start to question you, and aren't as faithful as they used to be. Everything becomes so conditional. Everything suddenly takes longer. Especially waking up. You don't keep doing the things that you normally would do. Everything changes. Even when you find a way to string together a couple wins, they just don't feel the same. It's almost like the wins begin to feel like losses. You feel like giving up. Everything becomes more of a routine. I think that is what I find the strangest about losing. When you are winning you are far more likely to try new things. But when you start losing, everything becomes more routine. You'd think that when everything starts going right, you would keep doing the same thing. And when things aren't going that well, you would start doing new things to turn it around. You just get stuck in the same old thing. You would literally do anything to taste victory again. Reminiscing makes you feel so happy. It should! You were doing so well. But every time you reminisce, you compare what used to be, with what suddenly is. And thats a pretty empty feeling. Winning sets a standard, that it feels like you can never repeat. When you start to get a few wins here and there, that standard is set so high that you still don't feel the same way.

I would pretty much do anything to have the chance to go back and play sports again. To condition myself to be the best athlete that i can be. It used to make me so happy. It used to be a drug. It made winning and losing seem so physical. Like when you lose, you just work a little harder. When you win, you feel like you can do anything. I just want to taste victory again...and smell it. And know its always there. And feel like all my hard work is paying off. To win, feels so good.

2007-05-09T01:10:00.000-04:00

"It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take

What's mine is yours to make your own"

2007-05-05T01:08:00.000-04:00

Enough of this hippy depressing crap i tend to write! I think i figured it out. Well not really. I mean i dont know what I'm gonna do yet. But I had an epiphany...I always look for answers. Im always looking for a reason of why things are happening. It is a good thing at times, and then again it makes me miserable at other times. There are 3 factors when looking at a problem. There is the mind (finding a logical explanation), heart (dealing with the emotional details first) and then there is being completely mindless/heartless and seeking somebody else for how to deal with things. There are a number of different things that you can do when seeking advice, you can ask somebody who has a completely biased opinion (and usually they have never dealt with things before because if they had they would no that there isnt any concrete way that works in every situation), you can ask someone who has dealt with this before and has been successful, or for "spiritual people" you can find "spiritual guidance". I am more of a logical person. I look for reasons. Im the guy who assumes a lot of stuff. I do ask advice however. My own personal favorite is someone who has been there before, and knows how it feels. My problem, is that if it doesnt add up to my idea or what im thinking, i dismiss it until i find something that makes complete sense. But...if ive never dealt with the problem before, than how in the world can i make sense of the situation? So i am backtracking to everyone that has spoken to me trying to remember what they said.

The reason why i want answers is because i want the fastest way to deal with things. And because i wait to deal with the emotional aspect, i start to detach from my emotions. So in the end...my emotions start hanging out where they are, while the rest of me moves on. Which explains why everything seems to be missing something. Im missing ME! haha...what a concept. So how i came to this conclusion...i have no idea. I think it has something to do with Albert Einstein. But I cant be so sure...so here is my new philosophy: I would rather be an optimist and a fool, then a pessimist and be right. You can't figure out whats right unless you make mistakes. And you cant be truly happy without feeling completely hurt. You cant trust unless you know what it means to trust someone. You will never know what you have unless you fight with everything in you to keep it.

You have to know who you are to be who you are going to be. I gotta figure that out!

2007-05-04T11:31:00.000-04:00

This year has been pretty crazy thus far. Life has so many unexpected turns, and it's so hard never knowing what is coming next. Things really haven't been working out the last couple weeks. I'm just really frustrated because I had a plan...and that's definitely not working. This is one of the first times in my life that I feel like I'm wasting time. I'm really not happy where I'm at, but since I don't know what to do next, I don't know when this is all going to end. I have things to be happy about, but for some reason I won't let myself be happy. Any normal circumstances, I would love my life right now, but things haven't really been normal for quite sometime. My birthday was this past weekend, and I had a great day. I remember thinking that it was going to be awful. I went out to eat with a friend the night before, and I remember sitting there thinking how bad it was going to be. It really was a normal day, and was pretty uneventful, but for some reason it recharged me. I was so excited, for i don't know why. But ever since, it just feels like something is missing. With everything...work, relationships, free time, even watching baseball games on tv. Its weird. I can't figure out what it is. So until I figure out what it is, I am going to try to enjoy life, and try to take concrete steps to figure this whole life garbage out. I wish i could go back in time to like...November and redo everything...i think that would help.

Sooo hot

2007-04-13T00:06:00.000-04:00

I forgot how hot it gets in Florida. Uggh...it has rained the last couple of days and today it was way too humid. The kind of humid when a warm shower actually makes you dirtier. The kind of humid where inanimate objects sweat. Florida is nice though...so...anyway...i have been doing a ton of thinking the past few days. Life is so random. I have way to many decisions to make over the next week or so. Haha...I hate how, ridiculously ambiguous I make these blogs. I don't know...I try to get out what I want to say without leaving any details. I don't know why. I guess I just don't know who is reading or how they are taking it, so i try not to let the cat out of the bag I guess you could say. Anyway, things have been falling through with record consistency and its making me wonder what I'm supposed to do. I have been praying a lot over the last few months as to what I am supposed to do. It's not like I am depressed and can't manage to find a place where I am happy. In fact its the exact opposite. I can't figure out what to do because every option makes complete sense and I could live with all of them. Its like sitting at the table in Applebee's and im trying to figure out which appetizer to order. I love the boneless buffalo wings, and I have had a lot of success with that, so I can't go wrong there. Granted, it doesn't always sit well an hour down the road but it's so good that I am willing to sacrifice. Or...there is mozzarella sticks. So good, but not always that filling. The person sitting next to me wants me to order the Nachos Nuevos, and that is a lot of food and I could share, but for some reason I want Onion peels! They are cheap, and taste a lot like Bloomin' Onions from Outback and I love those! Too bad the sampler is so expensive and isn't included in the late night 1/2 off deal.

There you go, thats pretty much the decision im trying to make. Well its a lot more complicated then Applebee's. I can't remember the last time I prayed about which appetizer to get, and this decision has a lot more riding on it. But much like at Applebee's the food is going to taste good no matter which one I order, and i think the only thing that truly matters is who im eating with. I'll leave the restaurant happy either way. So here I am, trying to figure out so much stuff and it feels like God isn't hinting at any option as being a better one. Every one has its benefits, and I can see myself being very happy 10 years from now no matter which road I choose. The only part that sucks is that, the longer I wait, the less the options remain available. I wish I could pick one tonight, and move in that direction immediately. That would be neat. I wonder if God reads blogs? God, if your reading this, just comment and let me know what to order. Thanks! ;)

Closure

2007-04-10T00:15:00.000-04:00

This weekend was amazing. I spent a little time in a place where I felt at home. I was literally a few thousand miles away from my problems and I had a better time than I have in a really really long time. Its just weird how a change of scenery can give you such a different perspective on things. I was so stressed out and I managed to block all that out, and have fun. I am so proud of my friend Tim, who got married this weekend. I am ready to find that. I am ready to find someone who I can start over with, and be happy with from day 1. I want to be in love again. I said a few days ago that I wanted to fight, and i did. But the more I fight, the more i feel like this isn't something worth fighting for. The harder I fight, the worse I feel. And I know that's not how this is supposed to be. I regret how mature I was during the bad times, but I know that whoever steals my heart next will get one that has learned by trying. One that is tried and true. One that is "selfless" and one that will love no matter what. I know I wasn't appreciated and I don't deserve that. The one girl who God has waiting for me, won't take that for granted, I won't let her. She will fight for my heart, while I fight for hers. Her family will love me, and they will really want the opportunity to see who I really am. I will prove myself, and try my hardest to make my next one, the last one. It's hard to walk away with things wide open, but I know that there's some amazing girl out there, who is dying to be found. And that is reason enough for me to go looking. I am committing to that.

Tomorrow...

2007-04-03T11:17:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I am leaving the "great" state of New Jersey, for I'm not sure how long. I had a little mix-up with my airline tickets, since I am flying out to be in one of my best friend's wedding tomorrow, and ended up having to fly up here to NJ to fly out to go see him. So i made a little vacation out of it. Of course when I planned it, there were much more exciting expectations put on this weekend. But, anyway, tomorrow I'm leaving and I want to be happy and just move on to whatever's next. It was a really good weekend don't get me wrong, but it was a good taste of where I stand. I mean having to adjust to a whole new environment while having to deal with all sorts of bad things, was rough, but being back here and spending a few days comparing and contrasting, I feel like I know whats going on with me. I guess you can call it a painful realization. I was sitting watching the NCAA championship with so much going on through my head. I was excited, but was I? I was having fun, but was that really me? Being completely truthful, I realized that doing the right thing means being slammed when you least expect it. I have spent so much of my life, trying so hard to make a difference, and be someone that people look up to. I just want to be the guy that people wish their daughters could marry. I just wanted to not rely on my own power but in the grace of God. And when everything starts to feel like its working, it all starts to unravel. You sit here, and think about all the people you have done so much for, people you used to give so much of your life for. And where are they? Did they ever appreciate it? Everyone I've ever known has been in this game to get what they want, and what makes them feel better. I watched an amazing movie Requiem of a Dream the other day. Granted, its all about peoples lives spiraling out of control because of their dependence on drugs. But for some reason looking back I feel like my drug has always been trying to make people happy, and trying to make a difference through peoples lives by loving them and accepting them no matter what. I has never been easy. I have been so disappointed in so many of my friends and loved ones, but i still couldn't help but love them because "I knew they would do the same for me." In retrospect it feels like they used me to get them through something...or to do something they needed, or to help them achieve their goals. So I guess they wouldn't do the same for me. I'd hate to say it, but i think the lesson I've learned is that love is very, very rarely reciprocated when you truly need it. I think selflessness and loyalty and unconditional love is so hard to find, and the people who strive to give it end up being the only ones around when they need it. They are the people who stay on the Titanic helping everyone get off the ship, but when they need help, theres no one there to throw a rope. Its like the man who healed all those blind men, and they ran off and danced and never looked back, except for one. To be completely honest with you...I've got nothin'. I really don't know what to look forward to. The hardest part is that this has happened to me before, and I have decided to dig deep down to see what I really had to give, and I gave it. And a few miles down the road, I'm just where I was when I started. There's only a handful of things that I really value at this point. There's only a couple of people who have stuck around, and a majority of those people, have to by law. There's so many things that I really want to do with my life. I think I really know what I want. And it all includes helping people and loving people when nobody else will. I just want to be happy. I just want to have a love that I can feel, and see...and give everything I can possibly give for. I only need, one, just one of those blind people to come back and tell me thanks. I think that will be enough to keep me going.

Hmm...

2007-03-29T01:39:00.000-04:00

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do and they're happy forever, give me a break. 9 out of 10 of them end, because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half the ones who get married, get divorced anyway and I'm tellin' you right now through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, you know, in some cultures...a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, 'cause I do...believe in it. Bottom line is that couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everyone else. but the big difference is they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time if it's right and if they're real lucky one of them will say something."

Ironic...

2007-03-26T23:44:00.000-04:00

Tonight, I was in a mood to just lie down and relax, after my fairly busy nights of late. I was looking through my iTunes to find some music to listen to. And to my surprise I could only find one band that fit my mood. It's a band who I have some bad memories with. Well I don't personally know them but listening to their music reminds me of other more depressing times. *disclaimer* not that these times are depressing, because they most definitely are not. *end disclaimer*. So I listen to the words of the songs, and I am actually intrigued. So I find the lyrics to all the songs, and replay the cd. I am just amazed that if I had never heard their music before, and had heard them maybe two weeks from now, I would almost swear that I wrote these songs. It was a bittersweet moment, but I could finally sit back and enjoy their music.

Life is beautiful...

2007-03-26T12:19:00.000-04:00

I remember saying that on New Years, it was definitely a neat moment in my life. Since then, plenty of neat moments have come by. I have had a good year, and at this point in my life, i think it's only gonna get better. A lot of good things have been happening, and there are plenty more to come. I am experiencing new things, I am finding myself praying in a different way, and I have everything I need. I only have a couple years from getting "real life" started, but I'm not downplaying my life in the meantime. There is plenty of time for new friendships, and relationships, and experiences, and that is the most exciting part of life. I have a clean slate and all I want is a clean start. I am very happy with myself and how things are going for me. I realized that there are so many people around me who love and respect me. People who think my life is amazing, and I like that feeling. I haven't been happy in the past, because I put my happiness in the wrong things. Life is always beautiful, even when everything seems like it is going horribly. There is so much to find happiness in, and right now I am definitely very happy. I have a nice little vacation coming up and I am very excited about that. So here goes...

Moving on...

2007-03-23T00:16:00.000-04:00

Hey...I'm back! Well tonight was a good night. I got to work, for the first time in a few weeks. I was reunited with a few old friends, and that felt pretty darn good. Tomorrow, I have a interview at a local Hospital, for a position to help manage a Pharmacy. I didn't think I was qualified, but they sought me out. So the Lord works in mysterious ways, and in this particular way, i might be making more money than I was at my previous job. It's neat how God has been working in my life the past few days. I have been fighting with everything in me to keep him the main focus, and I can see him already blessing me for it. Even if this job falls through, I know he will have something lined up. I just want to thank everyone who has encouraged me. I've been calling a good friend of mine a couple times every day to unload my thoughts, and try to make sure I am doing the right thing and keeping a Godly perspective. Without her, and a couple of blog posts, involuntary fasts (as I humorously call them) and a few people letting me know that they are reading and praying, I don't think i would have gotten out of bed. I just want to thank you and share a verse that I wrote on my hand and its one that has kept me going. "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to God. Many will see what he has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord" Psalm 40:1-3.

Final Thoughts

2007-03-22T17:27:00.000-04:00

I find myself asking the same questions. I don't really buy most of the answers. They just don't fit. Nothing adds up. I'm so tired of dealing with it. For the longest time I have done everything I could do to make things work. I spent an hour or so today reading all my blogs and emails, just trying to make sense. I'm just trying to figure out how I end up being the one that brought this on me. I am convinced of a couple things. I made a decision a long time ago that I didn't know carried so much weight. I thought nothing of it. I thought it was something that would end in time, and it keeps getting in the way. It's not anything bad. But it feels like the worst thing I could have ever done. Do I wish that things could have been different? Yes. But answering yes means having to give up everything that made me happy. And I am not willing to do that. It was a lose/lose situation, that I had no idea I was in. And of course, because I had no idea, I'm the one that loses in the end. I feel like I'm the only one having to deal with it. I wish i could hear otherwise, but it just doesn't seem so. I'm the only one looking for answers. I'm the only one trying to make sense of it all. And in the end I can see that I'm the only one that had my priorities straight. I hope that I never bring anyone else to this point, because its just not right. Its not at all fair, and I just pray that I am not the only one dealing with it. Now, or in the future. It will take its course.

Top of the Mornin'

2007-03-22T12:35:00.000-04:00

Today has been pretty awesome. I woke up, and immediately weighed myself. My goal over the past few weeks was to lose my little belly. I grew fond of it, but I wanted to watch him go. And today, he is officially gone. Unfortunately I had to lose 9 pounds over the course of 11 days to achieve this and the past few days have sped up the process a little. I was pretty excited. But then it kind of dawned on me that the person I tell everything to, I can't talk to. I think that is the hardest part of all of this. I have so much I want to say, but I don't know who to say it too. Good things have been happening but, I just keep it inside, and wish I could talk to someone. I think thats why I'm blogging so much. Because I'm saying it to you, just to get it out. I seriously don't think there is anyone who cares enough to keep tabs on what is going on with me right now, but just the thought that if someone wants to know what's on my mind and what I'm going through, it's here. I have to tell someone. I picked a bad time to be living in Florida with nothing to do...I want nothing more than to feel normal. I'm still committed to the idea of moving back to Jersey in the fall, and hopefully between then and now i can achieve a sense of normalcy. This sucks so much.

Bearing my soul

2007-03-21T23:41:00.000-04:00

I feel really weird about blogging my heart out. But I can't imagine that anyone is reading anyway, and it does make me feel a lot better. I am currently just trying to do the right thing. I am trying to take a different perspective than I've had the past couple similar experiences. I think I had a tendency to drive myself into temporary depression, which wasn't very constructive. This time around, I'm just trying to focus on what is important. I'm trying to read through the lines, and trying to gain any feeling of hope for what is to come. I'm not routing for any specific outcome as far as what my future holds. I'm just trying to go at it from my heart, and keep the mindset that I will overcome this, and in a few months i will laugh about this. Experience is getting me by. I was at a doctor's house tonight and I had to try my hardest to keep myself from asking him to prescribe me some sleep medication so i can...oh, i don't know...sleep from now until may. But today was a good day. My morale is good, and I am legitimately trying to stay above the circumstance and find ways to praise God through them. I'm just at a loss and I have no idea why this is happening. But I know there are people out there that do. All I know is that I did nothing wrong and God is going to bless me for seeking him. Gosh, I really don't want to come across as emotional. I'm not an emotional guy and I am not emotional right now. I just lost something I love, and took for granted, and blogging is a breath of fresh air. Goodnight!

Brand new day

2007-03-21T09:27:00.000-04:00

Last night was probably one of the better nights I've had in a while. I just felt at peace with everything. I got a lot of crap that was on my mind out, and being able to go to sleep with ease was a huge answer to prayer. Unfortunately the entire night wasn't so good. I woke up at about 7 a.m. shaking uncontrollably. I've never felt that before and I was honestly afraid that something terrible was wrong. After clinging to my covers for a little while, I stared to calm. I don't know exactly what caused it, but it was definitely my mind and body trying to make sense of the last 24 hours. I had a good time with God last night. He put me in a place I didn't really expect to be in so soon. This morning I feel a little more clarity as far as what the next step should be, but i'm not gonna rush into that. Right now, I just want to adjust to the quick change and try to think as much as I can about things and get this mess behind me as quick as possible.

A Prayer

2007-03-20T23:55:00.000-04:00

God,
This really isn't like you. I know I'm not perfect and I make my share of mistakes, but couldn't you have made this situation easier? I feel empty again, and I sure hope and pray that something beautiful comes out of it. I know i have no expertise on how you work but I want you to know that I feel lower than I ever have before. I feel like the most important role You've placed in my interpersonal life has been pulled out from under me out of nowhere. I'm not sure how to feel. I respect Your authority, but I don't think this had to happen. I feel betrayed, lied to, emotionally destroyed and thinking that You allowed it makes it hurt so much more. God, You know my life is in Your hands, but right now it feels like You dropped me. This is in your will though. It has to be. I'm not going to stop trusting You. You will make this pain go away. You will pick up the pieces and make me whole again. Speak to me now! Speak to me tonight! I need your comfort and I need to feel your love. According to Your word, you will bring me peace and joy in the morning. You are my Father and I know you want nothing more than to see my heart in the right place.

God, You know I love Michele. I want nothing more than to see her become the woman You created her to be. As much as I want to hate her right now, I can't. I know she needs my love as much as I already know she has Yours, and I refuse to be selfish. If You choose to never bring us back together, I want You to continue Your work in her life, and I want her to know that I never stopped loving or supporting her. Make her a better and stronger person as a result. If your intention is to bring her back to me, than You know I'm here, to love her like You love her. If not keep her safe and bring her someone who loves her like you love her. Bring her the man that I couldn't be. Keep her in Your hands and keep Your arms around her.

God, You know I love You, and I always will. My life is in your hands, and so is my heart. Take it. Use it for Your glory. In this situation, and in all the ones to come. I am fully Yours.

Surprise!

2007-03-20T16:37:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe how quickly your life can change. Everything is completely normal one minute, and within hours its all different. God lately has been softening the blow, but somethings still get under your skin. I'm not about to say I'm not happy, because If I've learned anything in my life its that God does things for a reason. God has broken my heart plenty in the past few years. God has dealt me cards that don't make any sense, and usually i'm not even playing cards to begin with. I had a tiny idea that today was going to happen, but I can't describe how i feel because i don't really know that. If I could change the result, would I? In a heartbeat. The circumstances do change what my next step will be, I feel like i didn't know what I was dealing with, and now that I know i begin to wonder. So whether to go left or go right I don't know. I just kinda want to sit for a while, and enjoy what I have. God gives and God takes away. I thank him so much for giving me what I had, but in life all things are taken away in time. So I just have to condition my heart to whatever is next. Please pray for me.

Weird....

2007-03-08T00:46:00.000-05:00

God works everything out in the end. That's not a question. Thats not a theory. That is the absolute truth. Everything I can possibly worry about is a moot point once God steps in and makes things clear. Most people wouldn't understand that. Trusting God involves way too much sacrifice. I didn't even completely trust God for the past year and a half but he still managed to show me who's got things under control. I get myself stuck in a mess of confusion and then try to get myself out of it, then, all of the sudden I'm out and I know that I'm not the one that did it. Today was one of those days that most people would look at as a horrible day. I woke up with all these worries and thoughts about what I need to do, and drastically just a handful of hours later, its all clear. Today, I lost my job. For the second time in 6 months I have found myself in sudden unemployment. No warning, not really anything that I did to deserve this. But with everything God's been doing in my life leading me up to today, it came as no surprise. I took it in stride, knowing that God is beginning to answer a prayer that I prayed just 12 hours before. My prayer was one of the first that I've ever prayed publicly that was in expectation of the next step. The vision of what God wants to do with my life is becoming clear, and as a result I will be leaving New Brunswick for a short while. Its not permanent, I just think God needs some time to prepare me for the next step which has everything to do with New Brunswick and what he originally called me to do here way back in March 2004. I'm only days away from my departure, and I don't think anyone knows. Except for a few. I don't want to make it a big deal. My hope is for me to disappear for a while and when I come back find, that no one really noticed that i was gone, but that they see a huge difference in my life and wonder what happened. That would be pretty awesome.

Chillin' like Jello

2007-02-24T00:37:00.000-05:00

So before i got a chance to stop and think, i looked at the Calendar and realized its already the end of February. Its a good thing i looked, My rent is due in about a week. 56 days have passed since New Years. Its almost back to Daylight Savings time, or back from....i don't know which one's which but i know the days are about to start getting longer in a few weeks, and pretty soon New Jersey is going to come out from under its black piles of snow, and become a semi-enjoyable place again. It's hilarious. Only New Jersey would kill a good snow by turning it black.

Life has been good these past two months. I have been very happy, and God has been consistently meeting my every need. Its funny because he always has, but lately its been much more meaningful and I have been far more grateful. I am so undeserving of His mercy, and His blessings literally do not make sense. Its like getting a check from Sports Illustrated for a quarter million bucks for being a loyal subscriber, and i'm not a subscriber. I sometimes pick up the magazine at the newsstand if i'm intrigued by the cover, but not enough to qualify for this...This is obviously a fictitious example of God's blessings because i am a subscriber to SI and i haven't seen a dime in return. But that would definitely make me a subscriber if i wasn't one. Anyway the point is...I am doing really well. I feel like God has me back on track, hes just got me slowly accelerating in the right direction again. I am enjoying the people around me and trying to make the most of the here and now. I am praying about a few major decisions, and i feel like the right decisions will be made, and they will be the right ones when all is said and done. So im not worrying about anything. Im just practicing patience and prayer, and finding inspiration in the people around me and they way God works in their lives. And i hope that soon, people will begin to find inspiration in mine.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-03T17:13:00.000-05:00

I don't usually get into New Years. I dont know. I guess it's like when I'm driving my car and the milege turns over from 149,999 to 150,000. And yes, both just happened a few days ago. New Years and my car turning 150,000 miles young that is. This year was my second straight year celebrating in Times Square. I think it's awful, being herded into sections of pavement by cops, trampeling over and injuring many young women and children, standing still, crammed in with someone from Canada, who loves New York but has never been to Times Square for New Years before, and then being spooned by a Middle Eastern guy on the corner of 45th and Broadway who thinks this is prefectly fine. Its an experience that is probably the worst you will ever experience. It's January 3rd and my back is still killing me, I got sick from walking home in the rain from the train station, so I've been spending my first day off in 2007 on my couch in my pj's. And (sigh) I am already planning to be back, same spot for the third straight year. I dont know what it is. The live bands are pretty sweet but other than that its just a huge awkward neusence. But I love it. Everyone gets so excited from the 11 o'clock hour on because I think they realize its only 2 hours from being able to detach from the hexagon of people that are violating their personal space. It is a beautiful sight and a beautiful experience. One of the best times you can have. I urge every one to try it someday.

So 2006 was by far the worst year of my life. God stretched me so much physically, emotionally and geometrically (horizontally not vertically). I was sick more than I ever have beenin my life. Had more car problems than ever. And I was pointlessly frustrated at so much stuff and so many people. You name a problem that could have happened, and I'm almost sure it happened. But as I stood in Times Square capturing the final minute of 2006 on my video camera, it hit me...Life is SOO Beautiful. God has blessed me with so much this past year. I think the biggest blessing by far is forgiveness. Im still alive and God is still standing right next to me, showing me how huge his plan is for my life. Wow...this is the first time I have cried in so long. Im just realizing how much I see God. All the time. Nothing really happened in 2006, and I feel like God has me at the same place entering this year as I was last year. Its like a do-over. I definitely dont deserve it, but thanks to him he has healed me from all the crap that happened to me in 2006. The horrible decisions that I made. Things i never saw myself doing. Im having a hard time right now. I think I let everyone I know down, if only they knew. I miss my family so much it hurts. I miss the people who shaped me into the person I walked away from last year. I miss when God was my first thought every morning. I miss working next to Dustin and seeing how passionate he was about God and wanting to be like him. I miss when I would spend an entire evening in the dark playing guitar, worshipping my best friend. It's really hard to look back because those times were the best times of my life. I had so much faith then. As I listened to the world's backwards counting skills on sunday night, I made a resolution. Not a day to day habit forming one, but I want to look at 2007 as the best year of my life. I want to go back and be who I was. I want to be 100% tranformed by God. I want to be used to do things for him that nobody has ever done. I want to make a bigger difference to the people around me, than anyone they have ever known. I want to think about 2006 as a hiccup in time, and not a year that started a mediocre life. I want to get in shape.... I need to live alongside people who are just as called and spiritually motivated the same way I am. I need accountability, and all I really need is one thing. God.

From The Inside Out

2006-12-01T00:59:00.000-05:00

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains.
And should I stumble again?
I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never Ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never Ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never Ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring you praise
From the inside out
My soul cries out....

Welcome Back!

2006-11-02T23:04:00.000-05:00

For those of you who actually read this thing, I am alive. I have been pretty busy with school and my job, so i havent really had that much to blog about. But i had a good weekend and have some pictures i wanted to post. My parents came up from Florida this past weekend. They were celebrating their 30th anniversary with a trip up to Cape Cod in Massachusetts. Since they flew into Philadelphia, they decided to spend a day with me in Jersey. So on Saturday i spent the day with them and Michele. On Sunday they embarked on their second leg of the journey. So early sunday, Michele and I met them at IHOP for breakfast to see them off. Afterwards i had possibly the greatest day of my life. For those of you who don't know, I am a huge football fan. I spend most of my year either thinking about football, reading about football, wasting time playing Xbox football, or just throwing the football to myself as i lay on the floor in my apartment. So early this summer i circled October 29th on the calender. It was the day that my all time favorite football team (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) and my new favorite college team (Rutgers) played games on the same day in the same state. After weeks of scanning the internet for tickets, i left church sunday morning pumped up for the big day. First we (Michele and I) drove up to East Rutherford to see the Bucs take on the New York Giants at The Meadowlands. It was about 40 degrees and the wind was blowing at about 50 mph, so needless to say, anyone from Florida was not really prepared for this game. Me and the Bucs pretty much froze. The weather was definitely a factor as the receivers dropped about 60% of their passes, fumbled or muffed all the punts and kickoffs and lost the ball anytime a Giant defender hit them at any point in the game. To my surprise they actually scored, and actually kept the game close. The Giants won 17-3. After the game we hit the Jersey Turnpike for an hour ride back to New Brunswick, where we braved the cold wind and air again for a Primetime college matchup between Rutgers and UConn. Jessica (Michele's sister) kept me company most of the game and Gitti...um....i mean the Scarlet Knight stopped by to visit. It was a fun night and Rutgers won 24-13 to move their undefeated season to 8 games. It was an amazing end to an amazing weekend.

Welcome to Giants Stadium

The coin toss. It was so good to see my Bucs again. Hmm....I just realized the ref's hat is blowing away. Funny.

This is how close we were. Not too shabby. We were in the shade which made things a little more difficult but they were great seats nonetheless.

Manning under center, Plexico Burress split out, Jeremy Shockey in motion...Derrick Brooks is showing blitz.....

Bruce Almighty trying for a late comeback. As the crowd began to file out, we moved a little closer to the field.

I told Tiki that if instead of retiring, he should come to Florida and play for the Bucs where its warm. And he turned around gave me a thumbs up. Let the rumors begin?

Tiki makes a brief stop to hug Derrick Brooks while on his way to meet his brother Ronde after the game.

Me and my eskimo in our brand new Bucs gear.

I made a friend!!! And on second look, im pretty sure that this guy is "Bucco Bruce" the guy from the old school Bucs logo

One last look at the field

On the road back to New Brunswick for our second big game of the day

The troops preparing for battle.

Jess and Gitti with Elmo. That's right, he's a Rutgers fan!

Ray Rice for Heisman!

"On the Banks of the Old Raritan!"

Me and my parents

Me and Michele

My Dad thought that if we sat down he wouldn't look so short. You be the judge.

See you, in September

2006-09-11T23:15:00.000-04:00

Hey. So things have been going really well. I started the new job a couple weeks ago. I am a associate manager at Pac Sun. I am not excited about continuing my endeavors in retail sales, but that is what i am good at, so thats what i'll do for now. I started back up at school again. I am excited. I am back on track to what i planned on doing about...oh...4 years ago? And that is..."just finish school Donovan"! I feel alot better about pretty much everything. My old roommate from Orlando, Aaron, moved back up and since we moved into our new apartment, i totally feel much better about life in New Brunswick. The last 9 months have been the biggest struggle in my life emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I know God brought me here, but ripping my life apart and bringing me to the most emotionally low point in my life wasn't what i had in mind. But praise Him that i made it through. I still have alot of insecurities and uncertainty in the relationship realm, but i am trusting Him with it all. It seems more hopeful somedays that it does on others. But God knows the desire of my heart, and i have complete faith that it will work itself out. New Brunswick has been so refreshing lately with school back in session, and the Scarlet Knights off to a 2-0 start. The air is starting to carry that chill along with it and i can tell that change is also on its way.

F is for Florida

2006-08-21T20:10:00.000-04:00

I just want to start off by saying that my blog is not a general summary of whats going on in my life. So those of you who read and think i am depressed or really sad, you are way off. I did go through a rough and or stressful time a while back, but i tend to only blog on my bad days. So before i write another depressing blog, i want to let you know that. Things have actually been good. I got a new job. A huge answer to prayer. I am hanging out in Florida until this upcoming sunday. Which is good. Except for the fact that i wish i could be in both places because my mind is in New Jersey. Dont get me wrong, chilling by the gulf of mexico is amazing, but when i am constantly thinking about what i could be doing if i was in New Jersey it doesnt make it what it should be. I really wish i had nothing to worry about. But i do. And thats not gonna change. So i just have to let it go and not care. Good things will happen if thats what is best. But i cant care about what i cant control. Things are looking good and i just have to try living without the things that bring me stress. Ah, but Florida is nice. Now that that's off my chest, im gonna stop caring and enjoy myself this is supposed to be a good week. And it will be. Thanks for reading.

West Coastin' It

2006-08-04T03:13:00.000-04:00

Its been roughly six years since ive been in sunny Southern California. Its hard to believe its been the case. But i am here, i flew in yesterday, and today was a pretty awesome day. I saw a couple family members, which is always neat. I love being around family, because i get to find out how truely terrible my father was growing up. Not really, but he did point out at least ten locations where he got into a fight. Of course he won all of them. Funny, because i knocked out my sister once for fun, and almost got knocked out myself by my dad. Seems like a double standard. Oh well.

Wow, today i realized how truely amazing my family was. 10 years ago last month, my grandmother passed away. Two years before that, my grandfather preceeded her. As i stood at there gravesite today, i tried to recall all the memories i had of them growing up. I dont remember much. I remember how goofy my grandpa was when we would hang out, and how good my grandma's cooking smelled. But nothing struck me as much as the fact that i finally realized how special they really were. They really must have gone through a lot. With a bunch of children already grown, they faced the challenge together of raising eight of their own kids. 6 boys, 2 girls. In an era of wars, segregation, and gang fights & territorial battles (most of which were caused by my father and 5 uncles), they managed to successfuly raise them. They didn't have great jobs, or a lot of money. They had a two bedroom house in the barrio, East L.A. Hearing all the stories today, and looking at all the pictures and stuff, It just hit me how difficult it must have been, but also from the stories and how everyone talked about them, i realize how strong they were and how much character they possesed. I dont know, maybe its finally being mature enough to understand everything, but i really wish i had the opportunity to spend more time with them. I think me and my grandfather would have gotten along really well. I just really appreciate them a whole lot more now. I know i wouldnt be here if it wasnt for their faith and perseverance. I wish i could thank them. I wish i could tell them how much i respect them and their sacrifices.

Its sad. Everyone is getting older now. I don't know how much longer all my aunts and uncles will be around for. I really hope to spend more time with them. I hope i can build some sort of relationship with them before its too late. They are such amazing people and i want to remember them for that, and not just remember their names and faces. Well its late, and i got a full day ahead of me tomorrow. I just wanted to right those thoughts down while they're still fresh.

What a week!

2006-07-30T05:36:00.000-04:00

So this past week was not even close to what i expected. I decided to forget that i had a job that unnecessarily consumed my life, and work with a team from Virginia as they did adventure camps around New Brunswick. I miss doing this kind of stuff full time. But i definitely realized i needed to get away from my job and find something that would allow me more time to do stuff like this. And then on wednesday i ended up losing my job. I can't say i was upset. That night was one of the best nights ive had in a while. I was happy, I hung out with Michele all night, and i got to spend time with all the people ive neglected over the past few months. The next couple days i did a bunch of different things. Friday i went to New York all day and decided to buy tickets to see the Devil Rays play the Yankees in the Bronx. I have been loving my time off. I've been much happier and a lot less stressed out. It made me realize that this is definitely what God wanted to happen. I miss everyone i worked with, but i am excited about whats to come. Yeah, i got a little uncertainty, but im not in the least bit worried. I planned a last minute trip to California, that i will be leaving for on Wednesday. I cant wait to get away for a few days and see my parents and my family out there. So hopefully when i get back i will have a job lined up and i can move forward. But I am definitely refreshed and excited about the next chapter in my life. Whatever that may be.

Got Baseball??

2006-07-19T13:16:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks have been pretty good weeks. My brother was up here in Jersey a week and a half ago. Usually when he comes up or we spend any amount of time hanging out we go to baseball games, go play baseball, or just sit around playing x-box baseball or talking about baseball. Its a good time. When he was up here we went to see the Mets play the Marlins at shea stadium. I have never seen a pitcher hit a homerun and i happened to see Dontrelle Willis hit a grand slam...so that was pretty neat. Two days later we drove down to philly to see a HIIIGHLY anticipated game between the phillies and the pirates. The only people who really care about that game is old people who have lived in either pittsburgh or philly for a hundred years. in other words both teams are terrible. but it was a pretty good game. and when have i not enjoyed a game? the next week was the all-star game so that kept me busy watching the homerun derby and stuff and then i decided to buy the MLB.TV package on mlb.com, so now i get every game all the time. It sucks because i work everynight and cant ever watch the games live. but i can watch them the next day. so thats exciting. right now as i write this i am switching between 5 games that are playing live. This will keep me busy until october. Which then it will be football season and the cycle will start again.

dont believe what you think you see

2006-07-10T00:47:00.000-04:00

why does everything have to be so hard? i know what will make me happy, but i cant seem to get there. and when i take steps in the right direction, something goes wrong. i dont know. thats been the story of the year. truth is...im still not happy. im trying to figure out what it will take to make me happy, but you start to learn things. what i thought would make me happy 6 months ago, wasn't all that i thought it was. i guess being on the outside looking in you can start to see what it really is. its what happened when i moved back to florida, and its the reason i came back here. a different perspective. so now i offically have one reason to stay here. haha, its not my job. i would leave that in a heartbeat. theres nothing more that drains me and burns me out, and wastes my talents and dreams like my current job. and i can go to school anywhere, so thats not it. i think you know what it is. but something happened saturday night, that discouraged me a whole lot. i just finished watching a movie about this very thing, and then all the sudden i find myself sitting waste deep the mud, that used to be water clear as day. embarrassed. i dont know what im gonna have to do, but its all im here for. so im gonna keep trying. my luck cant really get worse.

How New Jersey are you?

2006-07-04T04:51:00.000-04:00

You Are 38% New Jersey!

You've got a little Jersey in you. Not too bad, however you could have done a lot better. Based on this score, you may not actually be from New Jersey. You're missing out!

How New Jersey Are You?

Outside looking in...

2006-06-26T02:08:00.000-04:00

This is not what i saw coming. Six months ago today, i left Florida. Half a year ago. I remember the excitement. I remember how brave i felt to take a risk, and see that everything was going to go alright. I had everything together. I didn't have much reason to think things were going to work out, but they did. I left florida with barely enough money in gas to make it up here. In fact, i remember sweating it out once i saw the New Jersey state line. I had her waiting for me, but everything else including the odds were against me. But i really didnt care. I was gonna make it. Thats the way i am, i have so much faith in myself. I have faith that God is going to work all things out. June 26th, 2006. 6 months. I went to bed last night perfectly fine, tired but fine. And as i woke up to go to church this morning, i laid in bed for an hour thinking about how big of a joke i have become. Im not happy. As happy as i thought i was last night, was a lie. So...I should stop trying to do everything myself? For six months i have sat on the sidelines waiting on the two most important things in my life. So i guess ive reached a point where i cant keep going further. I am going after one with all my heart, and leaving little for the other. I have spent so much of my efforts trying to be happy again. So much on trying to get back to where things were. But every time i feel like im getting close.....i get nothing. I go unnoticed. Im forced to wait. I get neglected. I feel alone. I cant keep doing this. Somedays i want to up and leave. Not go back. But go somewhere where i can start all over. Where i can put the pieces back together. Where i can be strong again. To find what i need. Someone who cares about me. Someone who loves me no matter what everyone says. This roller coaster is sucking the air out of me. Yeah, thats what i need. I need YOU.

Oakland A's @ New York Yankees (6-10-06)

2006-06-12T01:29:00.000-04:00

A full house on a Saturday in the Bronx

Jeter at the bat

Just a cool picture i felt like taking

The Greatest: Joe Buck and Tim McCarver

Johnny Damon, Miguel Cairo, and Alex Rodriguez

Go Devil Rays! Reppin' the hometown boys!

Hey they're winning!!!

The A's outfield. Bradley was rapping, Kotsay was dancing, and Swisher was just laughing at them both

Kevin Thompson (moments after his first career homerun) and Johnny Damon

Milton Bradley definitely didn't make friends today. Same old Milton!

The fans weren't so faithful today. Most people left in the seventh. I however stuck it out to see the A's win 5-2.

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

2006-06-12T01:10:00.000-04:00

So Saturday, (June 10th) I got tickets for the Yankees-Athletics game. The night before, one of the guys i work with told me he had tickets to the game and didn't have anyone to go with. So we decided to meet there. However, i guess he didn't make it. Or at least i didn't see him. It was an amazing day for a baseball game. I just sat by myself, and took a bunch of pictures. Then i got the idea of using the video feature on my camera. So i have a homerun by Jason Giambi on film, which is pretty impressive. And an interesting shot of Milton Bradley nearly chucking his bat at Yankees pitcher Mike Mussina. The weather was unusually cool. Even cold at times. All in all it was a good game. I guess its true that there is nothing like taking in an afternoon game at The House that Ruth Built. I hope i get the opportunity to see another one.

Here

2006-06-10T03:49:00.000-04:00

I am here. I have been here for a while. A lot of time has come and gone, but day after day i come back to that same feeling. No matter how things go in my life, no matter how much stress i endure. I am here. You may not think I am. You may not see it like i do. But believe me. I am here. I remember when i realized it. I remember telling you the first time. I remember how happy it made me. Just to be here. I have been through a lot. I have weathered some storms. I have relied on every ounce of faith, just to stay here. I honestly haven't always wanted to be here. There were times when i had to completely rely on you, and that was something that i never thought i could ever do. But you...you held me right here. I fought it. I cried because of it. But no matter what, something much greater than myself has held me here. Now that i can see things from a different perspective, i realized that i had to stay here. I wouldn't have it any other way. I would give anything in the world to be here. To stay here. I want to become stronger. I want to do it right, so that no matter what happens i will always be here. No matter the distractions, no matter the pain. Im here. Im here for a reason. Im here to stay.

Gulf Coast sunset on April 30, 2006

2006-05-21T00:19:00.000-04:00

The beach right before sunset

The sun starting to disappear behind the clouds

Wow...

2006-05-20T23:23:00.000-04:00

What is true beauty? There arent to many things in this world that are truly beautiful. And when you think something is, you give it enough time and it will start to fade. Think about the last time you saw something amazing. My example is the sunset on the ocean. I grew up in New Mexico for the most part. So when i moved back to Florida in the summer of 2001, i will never forget seeing the ocean again that first time. I remember the sounds of the Gulf of Mexico looking out the screen door of our condo. The breeze in the palm trees. Seagulls. Wave runners. It was so amazing to me. Something i knew i would never grow tired of. But somehow i did. Now that i no longer live in Florida, even when i go back, i dont consider the beach a priority on my list of things to do. I think i went home 3 times in a year and never went to the beach once. But there are beautiful things in life that dont fade. Things that cant be compared. Things that stand out above anything else. Things that have been there for a while still demand a moment where your breath is taken away by just a glimpse. I love that feeling. When there is so much going on around you but you cant help but tune it all out. voices. lights. people walking by. loud noises. But still you are captivated by that shade of blue you have never seen anywhere else, and you flash back to the first time you saw it. How the brightness warms you up until you cant help but smile. You get that picture of what true beauty really is. Its more beautiful than any sunset could ever be.

So what?

2006-05-20T01:40:00.000-04:00

So i made a blog....Its not like I have alot of time on my hands. I guess i like expressing myself. I like having freedom to write however i want. Some people ask why i use letters to get my point across. I guess its because my mind and mouth work together as well as a whiffle ball bat works with a Randy Johnson fastball. Yeah, i like to sit and think about what i want to say, and how i want to say it. And then i say it. Thats why i am quiet when someone is yelling at me, or when someone shares their heart with me. I like to think. Thinking is my favorite. At the same time, its my worst enemy. It tells me things that arent true, and then i kill myself over it. Not literally, but i do torment myself with my thoughts. Ok..so i figured it out. I created this blog so that i can get out what i am thinking, and you who read this, can understand. Like anyone is going to take the time to read what i have to say. Maybe they will.